Day 2! MacDonalds, the River, and Crabs!

Well rest we did, until about 4.  Ween was up at the crack of the proverbial butt and I woke not long after. Hey, it’s me Celina: So. THAT’S what jetlag is. Weird and also, who knew? Disclaimer: I was also so freakin’ excited to see the city again that I just couldn’t possibly feel sleepy. Okay. Now that I’ve clarified- back to you Josh… Not much is open in Bangkok that early in the morning so we had to hunker down and enjoy our delicious Nescafe (don’t fret Tom, we thought of you the whole time. Also, you’d better be reading this).  Thankfully, despite finding brownish water coming out of the tap, there were plenty of bottled waters provided by the hotel with their compliments.  They did not specify which compliments so I chose to assume the compliments were for my hat.  Either way, coffee’s in hand, the international version of the NY Times, and lots of time to write yesterdays blog and plan for our day using the trusted Lonely Planet guide which was recommended us by the dear Nathan Cuckow, without whom I would have to say we would not be here probably at all.

 

Finally 9 rolled by and we were grumpgry.  Hungry to grumpiness.  A peek out the window showed that (Celina hijacks the computer and takes over) the Starbucks was open, which then indicated to us that the rest of the world was probably awake too. We armed ourselves with a map, the Lonely Planet, our Lululemon fanny pack- yes, you did hear correct… we purchased a pack for our fanny prior to leaving for our trip (Stacey Tookey rocked one so hard that I had dreams about it until I went out and bought one for my very own self. And it’s the color of Ariel’s fin, so who’s gonna be disappointed?) We left the hotel and entered the soggy-dog-mouth-air and made our way up the street to find “the Winking Frog” which, after much wandering turns out might just be a sexual position. Instead of said restaurant, we found some early morning prostitutes: two dolled up young ladies and a super dolled up young lady boy. Hooray! Our first lady boy sighting! He was beautiful, in a Mark Meer/ Suzanna Patchouli kind of way. There was no mistaking that he was a man, and that plays right into some people’s heartstrings I suppose. Good fun aside, at this point we were FAMISHED! (Anyone who knows us super well knows that we don’t fight or argue… unless we’re hungry. Then we both turn into snippy little jerks!)  We aborted the restaurant mission and decided to take the  Skytrain: destination MBK where there is apparently a wicked food court that replicates the street vendors.

 

The Skytrain is about a minute and a half away from our hotel- walk up three flights of stairs and you get to an above ground platform where there are machines to purchase tickets that are priced according to which zone you would like to travel to. The machines only take coins, and once you figure out your destination (there’s a handy dandy map provided, written in both Thai and English, and the track only goes in two directions, an East/West that travels along Sukhumvit Road and then at the Siam station, a North/South that travels down and over toward the water) you go to a booth where a nice friendly lady exchanges your bills for coins (and also helps you to figure out which platform you need to be on to travel to… MBK for example).

After a five minute ride, we disembark at the correct stop and arrive at MBK, which aside from a food court, is also a giant mall where young Bangkok hangs out and shops for junk and cheap stuff.  Ra! Except! It’s now 9:25 am and the mall is still closed. But we’re starving! I might just about be ready to partake in some street meat (there are A LOT of food carts all along the streets, but we’re both having a hard time wanting to try any of the meat-based dishes when it looks like the raw pork and beef has been sitting out in warmth for a day…). What will we do????!!!! And there it is, in all its majestic glory… McDonalds. It’s an absolute must for us to eat at a McDonalds in a foreign city (like Vancouver, Martin?) We were greeted at the entrance by Ronald himself, his hands folded into a Wai, and we ordered bacon and egg sandwiches with hash browns and coffee, and low and behold it tasted exactly like North America. Except it was served on hamburger buns rather than English muffins. Beside the ketchup dispenser was also a chili dispenser. We ate and silently judged everyone else who was eating there. It’s funny how McDonalds is the same no matter where you go- the early morning clientele consisted of older ladies sipping on coffees and a young fellow having a snooze in the corner- either napping before shift or recovering from the previous night, we figured. (Josh here, unique menu items include… Fish Dippers! Like mcnuggets but fish I guess, Samurai Pork Burger (like a mcchicken but with teriyaki pressed pork patty on it, American Wings! Hot wings I guess and most excitingly, Apple pies like home, only the flavors here are Corn and Pineapple.  K, go ween!)

   

 

Finally, the mall opened and up and up and up we went (8 stories, five blocks long). The place is so big and so long that it’s overwhelming. There are stores like any regular mall, although these shops were a bit on the low-rent side: Bata shoes, random DVD shops, places for lingerie with labels I’ve never heard of. Also, Swensen’s ice cream shop! Dad, Zee, remember? And they still serve the ice cream clown with a cone for a hat! The center of the mall though, is made up of tables filled with all sorts of random merchandise from knitted kid’s clothing, sunglasses and knock-off Ed Hardy gear to cheap contacts and prescription glasses. Everything is jammed together really tight- it feels a bit like shopping in Santee Alley downtown LA.  We had to escape the madness after awhile and went up to find the food court. There was a sample of different Thai dishes, noodle shops, Indian food, and pizza as well as coffees and sweets. In food courts here you generally order tickets as you enter, then use the tickets for the food, and any unused tickets are refunded.  Despite this it was more Western than traditional street Thai as expected, so we skipped it and stumbled across an arcade. Pretty much the same as anywhere else, except “Tekken 6” was there? Are we already on “6”? I guess my husband should know- I’ll ask him.  (Josh here, no I did not think we were)  We spied an Adidas sale sign, and you can bet that we went and found it- sweet shoes (Vespa Adidas… rad!) and sweet deals but no sizes. We searched for a ladies room- price: 2baht, so we decided to go elsewhere. Peace out MBK!

 

We took the Skytrain pedway across the street and en route encountered some homeless people. I have to say that the homelessness is so very sad here. There are mothers with tiny babies spread across their laps begging for change, and men with missing limbs. These are the people that should be receiving care and compensation and it about breaks your heart to pass them by and not be able to help.  There are rarely any middle aged men begging.  It seems anyone that can work at least has a job someplace, but the diseased, handicapped or young moms have to beg.  They are mostly missing limbs, legs, arms, in one case a fellow was lying face down right in the middle of the sidewalk, no arms, twisted legs, holding his 7-11 cup of change in his mouth.  I have to say, while we were discouraged from giving beggars change by our guidebook, I have seen on a number of occasions Thais give money.

 

Across the street is another giant mall- this one is much prettier with American shops and some cools places from Europe and Japan. And! Free restrooms! We found a Mac computer store and stole some internet from them. Honestly, it is shocking how non-existent wifi is in the city. The only places that have it, you seem to have to pay for it, and there’s no way to get it on the street when you need it. We searched out a restaurant (McDonalds only lasts so long…) , some info for our adventures to come, and went to find our lunch destination. Now, after yesterday we had perhaps become a bit cocky in the directions department, because everything that we tried to find today was not there. We went up the correct street, of this I’m sure, but the restaurant was nowhere to be found. Luckily though, we stumbled upon the coolest little area that we could have hoped for!

 

The street was filled with Junior High or High School aged students who were on their lunch break, all in matching uniforms, and we went into a busy noodle shop where they seemed to be hanging out. Not a disappointment! Holy man! The inside was teeny and super modern with walls displaying glass jars of different shaped noodles. The staff was super young, and we felt like we had stumbled into some place cool. We ordered fresh pineapple juice, two bottles of water, salad rolls, papaya

 salad, and a shrimp and squid noodle dish. The waiter asked if we liked spicy. Sure we do! But we’re not stupid- we’re in a foreign country and we’re going to be moderate. “Just a little!” says us. The dishes arrive and HOLY SPICE TO THE MAX! As Olivia Delaney has so eloquently coined the term: “Dat TOO picy!”  The food was so delicious that we couldn’t stop eating it, but I am a true Stachow at heart, and when I eat spicy food, my nose runs. Dad- I would have made you proud! We finished our plates and left with tingling lips and eleven dollars lighter. Eleven dollars… hilarious!

 

Mouths on fire, we were on a quest to find something to cool them and stumbled into “Mango Tango.” It’s a whole tiny shop devoted to mango pudding and various mango desserts! Oh happiness! We ordered up a pudding to share: it was a gorgeous little custard with fresh cut mango on top and a little swirl of whipped cream. 50 baht. Perfect! The shop walls were decorated with black and white sketches of mango and mango related words: sweet!, ripe, yum!… like that.

 

Satiated, we were ready to start the second leg of our day: Chao Phraya River. Very brave and confident, we hopped onto the Skytrain knowing that we’d have to transfer at Siam station and take the other line. 

With our hotel map, we found the stop we needed which was at the very end of the line. We passed time by watching the tv: they broadcast commercials on the subway and although everyone else has seen them one million times and completely tunes them out, we found them to be hilarious. We crossed the river and kept going: two more stops according to the map on the subway. We get there and notice that there isn’t any water to be found. 

After looking at the hotel map, Josh points out that it was from 2008 and clearly some building has happened since then. So, we backtrack two stop and we find it, the Chao Phraya river!

 

You know what chocolate milk looks like, of course. Yup. That’s the river. Except less delicious smelling. And more jumping fish. And moving fast enough to give Augustus Gloop the ride of his lifetime.  This river trucks.  Like crazy fast, and huge islands of floating seaweed whirl past.  We purchased the tourist boat ride pass and set sail. 

The boats are big- they seat around 100 people and stop at 8 different piers where we can unload and walk to a touristy destination.  (Josh here, Celina was sure right when she said don’t hire the long tail boats, which are a tourist deal and a water taxi, the tuk tuks of the river, because you are low and I’d hate to imagine what would happen if that river splashed in your mouth.  Super powers or raging diseases.)We decided that we ought to see the giant reclining Buddah- we tried to see it yesterday but the scam artists (remember?) told us that it was closed. Which by the way, was complete bs. The tour guide on the boat spoke in extremely fragmented English, but we were more than happy to sit back and see the sights. Crazy juxtapositions of decrepit shacks next door to giant beautiful modern hotels lined both sides of the water- a large old man peed off  a pier while a raucous bar pulsated with drunk customers next door. We got to our stop and exited at the rear. 

We walked up the pier to a row of shops and vendors selling food, deep fried goodness and stinky stinky fish. The smell was overwhelming, like Toronto during the garbage strike, but we passed the throng of commerce and made it to a busy street crammed with scooters and tuk-tuks. A short walk up the road was our destination, and let’s be honest, we were doing this more out of tourist obligation than anything else. We paid our 200 baht and entered the area, where we were instructed to remove our shoes, and I was provided with a sarong to cover my shoulders. Then, we entered. My. Goodness. There aren’t words enough to describe the beautiful Buddah. It is massive. Massive massive massive, and the walls are decorated with the most ornate paintings. 

It truly makes you hold your breath and want to pray, be silent, or just… be so very present. We walked around the massive structure and heard plinking sounds up ahead. A pail of coins were available for donation, and you would drop them into maybe forty metal pots that lined the wall opposite the Buddah- it reminded me of saying the hail mary on a rosary. The silent room, the murmer of visitors, the plinking of the coins… so beautiful and peaceful. We left the room, found our shoes, and made our way back to the pier to finish the tour. The next boat that we boarded was guided by my new Thai gay best friend. He was ridiculously outgoing and hilarious, and in broken but quite good English, tried to turn the vessel into a Karaoke club. One British fellow traveling for seven months with his wife serenaded us with “Hotel California”, and that was the end of it. We traveled up the river a couple more stops, then turned around and headed back to Central Pier. All in all, a totally amazing way to see a lot of tourisity Bangkok, and totally worth it!

 

We made our way back to the Skytrain and with zero mishaps, made it back to the hotel in one piece. Except that we needed a snack, and since it was McDonald’s day after all, decided to get a Thai pork burger just to see what it was like. It was like delicious, is what it was like! Full, it was either take a nap on our most comfy hotel bed ever, OR go and get another massage. Decision decisions! It’s hard out here for a pimp!

 

Opting for the massage, and with a dinner plan, we set out on foot west down Sukhumvit road to soi 24. We found another cheap massage studio- this one was clean, played music, and wasn’t in the back of a dimly lit store! Jock and I got to share the same room- there were three beds in it where we changed and enjoyed/endured an hour and a half of pleasure/pain. Okay, so remember the waxing scene from “Forty Year Old Virgin?” If not, you tube it right now so that you can understand where I’m coming from. Everything started out in a sweet and gentle way- our feet were washed and rubbed and we lay back on a comfortable mat. And then. My masseuse had the pinpoint accuracy for pain like Josh Dean playing any kind of shooting game, which is to say, she was able to find every spot on my body that might be a little bit tender and then blast it to smithereens. I had to keep quietly laughing to myself to stop from swearing and crying. Now after yesterdays massage, I’d come to expect the whole Thai Massage deal. It’s a bit like assisted yoga and it makes me very happy, because it’s not just relaxing, it’s a little bit of work. This was that times one million. Yesterday the girl found some really tender spots, then would do some nice gentle rubbing and that was that. Oh no. Every single spot on my body that this lady touched was intense. I reached a point where I wondered if I’d be able to go through with the rest of it, and it left me wondering exactly how black and blue my body was going to be (fyi, I have a pretty good bruise on my left shoulder) . An hour and a half felt like three, and by the time she was finished, I was ready to give. And I NEVER give in. CHALLENGE is a part of who I am. Yeesh! This lady was for realz yo! She brought me a cup of tea and left me to change. Josh kept looking over and mouthing “are you okay?” His experience was vastly different from mine- a little bit of pain, but more an all around gentler experience.

 

Needless to say, we were ready for some fortitude in the food and beverage sort of way, so we headed up the street to “the Seafood Market.” Martin, if you’re still reading- this is especially for you. Josh had researched this place before we left and we were super excited. And here’s why: you enter the gigantic restaurant and are greeted and brought to your table where an army of servers stand and await your next move. The head waiter takes your drink order, then instructs you to follow the pretty girl with the shopping cart to the back of the restaurant. There you see a back wall- around 15 meters long , of the freshest fish and seafood I have ever seen in my life, from blue crabs, lobster and giant prawns, to grouper and other fish still alive and flipping, oysters, scallops, shrimp… it is unbelievable! At the end of the bar is another section of baguettes, fresh vegetable, chilis, lemon grass, everything that you want to eat with your chosen seafood. We selected the biggest tiger prawn I had ever seen, a mid-sized lobster and a whole live grouper, along with a half baguette and some mixed vegetables. The pretty pretty server (dressed something like a flight attendant) bagged every item and brought us up to the checkout. 

We paid for our food and she rolled the cart back to the table where the head waiter asked how we’d like each item prepared: steam the vegetables, barbeque the lobster and prawn and hmm… how about we deep fry the fish in a sweet and sour sauce. The food is taken away, our beers are brought and we’re left to shake our heads and giggle like school kids. All the while, scrutinized by the wait staff. And that’s the only place that it falls apart. There are at least three servers assigned to every table (for real) and they stand about a meter away and stare. There are maybe two hundred tables in the place.  Only four were filled.  It is this giant, brightly lit fluorescent room, the size and feel of like, Foody Goody or other bargain buffet chains.  I think they’re just trying to be present and helpful, but they sure do make a girl nervous. The food arrives as it’s finished cooking. Our baguette reappeared slices and spread with roasted garlic, followed by the vegetable is a light soy sauce, then the prawn, fish and lobster at last. The food was perfect! Here’s a thing though- it’s considered rude to life the serving plate and serve yourself, you should pass your plate to someone closer to the dish, or lift your dinner plate toward it and have someone else dish out the food. Now, prawns and lobsters have shells that take a bit of maneuvering, and with that and the staff staring us down and literally watching every bite we took, well, it made for an odd dining experience. We’ve eaten in a variety of situations from shmancy to modest, but this one takes the “uncomfortable” cake. It, however, did not diminish how outstanding the sweet and sour fish was. It might be a flavor and texture that I remember for the rest of my life. The fish had been cleaned and cut into large cubes, skin-on breaded in the lightest batter, then deep fried and served with the most beautiful sauce: red and green peppers, green beans and pineapple diced as fine as can be and served in a light sweet and sour sauce. AMAZING! 

The giant restaurant started to fill up as we finished- another Caucasian couple dined behind us, a Japanese group, and just down from us was sat a businessman and his prostitute for hire. Now, day two of Bangkok has revealed some of its underbelly to us. It’s stinky, it’s noisy, it’s dirty. But so is New York and we love that about a city. The prostitutes though. They really are everywhere, and it’s brazen. There are so many white business men (all white tourists are called Farongs, I think the stereotype asian accent of foreign, the equivalent of Gringo, Howlie or Honky I think) who have a bright young thing on their arm, and it’s completely accepted. Morals shmorals, you kinda get rid of those and then start to just wonder who is a genuine couple and who is an escort. The couple beside us was clearly a young-ish man with his very young and adorable gay escort. There truly is someone for everybody here. The restaurant might be one of the pricier ones in the city and rich sugar daddies treat their paid-friends to meals as well as buy them pretty name-brand bags, shoes and fancies.

 

Full. We both stood up and realized our legs were aching- Josh figured it was all the walking, but I knew better. It was the massage lady putting a leg curse on me. Obviously. Even so, we walked back to the hotel to help our full tummies and watched Bangkok nightlife unfold. We were going to go for beer and then to a club NO MATTER WHAT. We were such lame-o’s last night and cacked out so early… we were gonna do it up to the max! The walk back was filled with food stands, t-shirt stands, fancy prostitutes, fancy shops (we passed “Emporium” which apparently is the most beautiful mall in the city with all the loveliest shops but meh- we live next to Beverly Hills, same deal.) The more we walked though, the drunker and seedier the city got. At a stop light that took way to long, we encountered our first crazy drunk man of the trip. He was about as obnoxious as possible, leaping into traffic, scaring small children and we decided that we needed to escape into our hotel. Once there, well, it was so clean and lovely and it was our last night after all, so we decided to take a swim in the pool. It’s on the 8^th floor of the hotel with a view of the skyline and just when we got in, it started to rain a perfect warm rain. No rain up until this point, and there it was, refreshing and gorgeous and perfect. We splashed around for an hour and the massage and food (and perhaps lack of sleep) caught up with us, and guess what guys. No clubbing for us. We’re just a couple of foppish dandies, and we decided to pack and go to sleep. We’ll have to save the clubbing for our return to Bangkok before we fly back to LA. All in all, an amazing day!